About a year ago, I decided it was time to become my own boss. Now, here I am, twelve months later, looking up at the stars, trying to gauge what to do next.
Even though I did not succeed, I carry no regrets.
There is one question though, I had to find the answer to.
Did I give up all too soon?
The words, “I have given up” sound so, yeah, what do they sound like? Unsuccessful.
It has that taste of “not trying hard enough” and “not having the stamina and discipline required”.
Have I given it enough time? This question begged to be answered.
Sometimes though the answers aren’t that straightforward.
Especially when seeing others, who pushed through, succeed, it became clear that stamina pays off. One needs to drudge through the drudgery.
I’m not somebody to give up soon, I’d tell myself. And quite frankly, I think I’ve never in my life before, given up.
“Where there is a will, there is a way.” I’d quite agree with that.
So why did I not just try a little harder?
By now, I can come up with lots of reasons.
It is certainly not lack of reasons I struggle with.
Neither lack of support for my decision.
I feel blessed by the people that surround me.
Not a single person made me feel like a loser.
On the contrary.
Then where is my problem?
It’s the inner dialogue.
All those voices in my head.
Each having there very own piece of wisdom.
One louder than the other.
One smarter than the other.
Almost like a theater play.
Shakespeare in my head.
An ongoing performance.
Days, weeks, nonstop.
The odd thing is, all the while, I felt rather at ease.
As if I watched all these folks in my head quarrel from a distance.
As if it hardly pertained to me.
I had long made peace with my decision before the curtains fell.
Then a few days ago, a friend called, curious as to how I was doing.
Spontaneously, I told him: “Brilliant!”
The second, I said that I knew I meant it.
How hard we can make things when rock bottom they’re quite simple.
The heart is so much smarter, even when the head may be so much more literate.
❤︎
